Karen & Erik

From my mother, I inherited my love of cheesy movies and a fine appreciation of Diet Coke. From my father, I inherited a weird laugh and height. From both, I inherited a good personality, damn fine good looks, and the family illnesses.

Bad vision? CHECK.

Mental health fun? CHECK.

High Blood Pressure? No you’re fine OH WAIT, CHECK.

It’s been a really crappy couple of weeks at the House of Garrett, if you can tell. I really didn’t need to be diagnosed with high blood pressure on top of it, although I can’t say I was not expecting it. Lots of people in my family have heart issues, including high blood pressure. I knew that one day, it would be something I’d have to watch out for. But I thought I was too young to worry about it now.

“Look at me! I’m carefree and think that my blood pressure will blissfully remain under 120/60 forever!”

For the past year, I’ve noticed my blood pressure creeping up when I’d have it taken at doctor’s appointments and prior to donating blood.  Last week when I went to urgent care to have my leg looked at, it was the highest it has ever been.

Nurse: Are you nervous at the doctor’s?
Me: Nope.

Nurse: Are you still upset about the attack?

Me: Nope.

Nurse: How do you feel right now?

Me: Very sleepy, actually. Why?

Nurse: Because your blood pressure is 167/107.

(Note: normal blood pressure is 120/60 or less. 167/107 is Stage 2 hypertension.)

Me: Well I’m nervous and upset NOW.

In the past week, I’ve had my blood pressure taken many times. Not once was it normal. The lowest it got to was 127/97, which is still a very high bottom number. So my doctor and I had a talk, went over my family history, ran some blood tests to check cholesterol and such, and went over things I can do to keep the number down.

I also started on a blood pressure medication. Erik is blown away by how many medicines I am now on to stay alive. He doesn’t count birth control, though - since it’s “not necessary for your health”. Although, I started taking it when I was young to control the jackhammer in my uterus that gave pain so intense, I would make me barf and pass out every month. So guys, if you had to take something that kept you from feeling like you were karate-chopped in the balls every month, wouldn’t you consider it necessary?

I picked up a blood pressure monitor yesterday on the way home. Erik likes to use it to see how low he can get his blood pressure and heart rate by being relaxed. His blood pressure? Perfect. His heart rate? Calm and steady. Me? A ticking time bomb of envy and stress and chest pain.

So, I’m eating right. I’m using this as a new motivation to exercise. I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying not to wish the swift and painful death of the jerk-offs who don’t even bother to WAVE when I let them in front of me on the highway FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, LIKE IT WOULD KILL THEM TO USE SOME MANNERS!?!?!

I’m keeping as calm as I can. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Unfortunately, Animal Control had to be involved and didn’t give us much of a choice. Holly was taken into their custody on Wednesday for quarantine and to be put to sleep.

Goodbye, my little girl. I forgive you and I hope you can forgive me.

(Warning: if you are particularly squeamish, you may want to avoid this post. It has pictures of wounds, bruises, and my INSANELY WHITE LEGS!)
I had not updated in a while because I was struggling with a decision. In regards to something going on in my life right now. Should I post about it, or keep it quiet? I am still struggling with that decision, but there’s something else going on in the House of Garrett right now.

Anyone who has visited in the past few years knows about Holly. She and her brother Fred have been with us since they were only 6 weeks old. When I brought them home, Holly celebrated her first night in my apartment by scratching my face, peeing on the bed, and biting someone else. I immediately knew that Holly was, to put it nicely, a pistol.

Holly is known as “the evil one”. As in, when people come to visit and see a cat, they ask “is that the evil one?” Holly has earned this reputation by being a growler, a scratcher and a biter. She’s an exceptionally loving cat when she feels safe and comfortable. But she also can flip that switch very quickly and become an attack cat. These are not love bites, my friends. These are “teeth sunk in to the bone” bites.

Yesterday, I had come home and just finished putting away the groceries. Both cats were by the front door, and I went to pick up Fred to give him a kiss. As I tried to straighten up with him in my arms, I lost my balance and dropped Fred (who gave his usual pitiful cry that he makes when he is being picked up). Since I dropped him from about 18 inches from the ground, he was completely fine. Holly was not. I guess she perceived it as an attack on Fred, or a threat to her. So she lunged at me, yowling and screaming at the top of her lungs. After biting my thigh, she let go and I ran into the kitchen to give her space. She followed me into the kitchen, still screaming. She attacked again, this time getting my left hand. I put a kitchen chair in between us while I struggled to get away (I was cornered behind the kitchen table). She attacked AGAIN, this time with a very strong bite to the side of my thigh. I finally got her off me and ran to the other side of the kitchen. She did not follow this time, thankfully. But she stood by the entrance of the kitchen so I could not leave without going through her. I stayed by the sink, trying to stop the blood flow with paper towels. Funny enough, THAT was when the Red Cross called asking me to donate blood. “This is REALLY not a good time…”

16 puncture marks, 18 scratches (4 of them deep, like the ones pictured). I didn’t put in pictures of my hand, because the puncture marks are small. But I am in pain, my friends. I’m on antibiotics now to combat the infection in the wounds. When I went to Urgent Care this morning, all of the nurses had to stop in and see what happened. Of course, it helped that the only other patient in there just had a cold. Holly is locked in the guest bedroom with her own litter box, food, water and comfy blankets. She will remain there until we figure out what to do.

As much of a “pistol” as she has always been, I never thought anything would happen that would make me not want to be around her. But I am petrified of her now. I close my eyes, and I see my little girl attacking me over and over. My heart is broken.

To: TBS Promotions Department

Subject: OH MY GOD

Text:

If I won the lottery today, I would make a move to buy TBS so I could personally fire the guy who decided to put Bill Engvall’s annoying face all over Family Guy. MAKE THEM STOP.

ARGH. 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. Erik and I are currently relaxing on the sofa, watching Ramsey’s Kitchen nightmares on BBC while avoiding the heat. Also, there a fresh pot of sauce simmering on the stove, so we’re looking forward to homemade meatballs tonight.On Friday, we celebrated the birth of LEE! with a trip to the Carolina Speedway - a.k.a. the dirt track. It’s everything we dreamed it would be, and more.

Pizza and I were prepared for the dirt shower we were soon to receive. We’re wearing the safety glasses from Erik’s workshop, since neither of us had our sunglasses.

The birthday boy!

You have to bring your own chairs to the dirt track, and your own booze/food/drink in a cooler if you want.

To prepare the red clay track, they begin by watering it with a water truck. Then, they send a couple of cars around it for several laps, which… does something to the dirt, I’m not sure.

It was about 95 degrees or so. Despite the sin being clear and bright, I still did not get any color on my pasty legs.

One of the drivers was 13. Years old. Seriously. I’m not entirely sure how that was legal.

This lady was smoking up a storm and always had a Coors in her hand. She cheered for her favorite drivers, and sat with her son (except when she sent him to get her something to eat).

Behind the fence in the background of the photo, you can see the “pit” area.

Soon, it turned to night. Unfortunately, the heat did not go away much.

Hey, it’s Pizza! She was smart and wore a tank top underneath her top. I was not, so everyone could see that I had completely sweat through my shirt. Sex-ay!

If I knew more about my camera or photography in general, perhaps I could have taken some good action shots. Alas.

Winners received a cash prize (top prize was $4000) and posed with bikini girls (look closely in the center of the photo).

Yesterday, I did laundry and grocery shopping while Erik ran some errands and played two baseball games. Mom dropped by to watch the Belmont, and have dinner (Tomato and Sausage Risotto, discovered thanks to Smitten Kitchen). After Erik’s games, we met up with Pete and Guy at Cantina’s. But Erik and Guy were exhausted after the double header in the heat, so we were in bed soon after.

Today, it’s just as hot. Erik mowed the lawn and has done some work on the bookshelves he’s building for the office, but the heat is making it hard for him to stay out in the garage for very long without it being dangerous. I’ve been cleaning and cooking and generally avoiding putting off another trip to the grocery store (I thought we had more Parmesan than we did. Oops).

What did everyone do this weekend?

whatever your plans are tonight, they aint as redneck as ours.

Originally uploaded by erikdgarrett.

Playin conway twitty is a tradition here at the carolina speedway!

Two conversations I had today:

Friend: I read your post that mentioned your party a few weekends ago. I can’t believe everything you left out.

Me: Like what?

Friend: That you wore a shirt that said “I like bacon!”. Or that Erik made a cornhole set for the party. Or that you ended the night with a Darth Vadar pinata stuck on your head.

Me: It wasn’t stuck, it was perched on top of my head. Honestly, who makes a Darth Vadar helmet pinata and doesn’t make it big enough to wear on your head?

Friend: Maybe that’s why they are in the pinata business, and not “Headwear for Drunk Karen” business.

(Later, different friend)

Me: I’m looking at someone else’s photos from BEA and seeing all the things I missed. Like - THERE WERE CUPCAKES?!?

Friend: Hahaha. You met Alec Baldwin but you’re pissed about cupcakes?

Me: They look like they were very tasty.

As the poet laureate Samuel L. Jackson once said, “Hold on to your butts.” This is going to be a long post.

Yesterday morning, I returned from a week in L.A. for BookExpo America (”BEA”). My company exhibits at this show every year, and I attended to oversee the booth set-up/tear-down and various convention services stuff. While I have heard about BEA for many years from Pizza, this is the first year I attended. Let me tell you, it is BANANAS. Enjoy the long recap and accompanying photos. All references to “we” mean myself and my boss, unless otherwise specified.

Wednesday, May 28th:

6:30 am flight from Charlotte, NC to LA. At the airport, I was dressed in my usual “spending most of the day on an airplane and then going to do manual labor” outfit - sneakers, jeans, t-shirt, light sweatshirt, baseball hat. I was sitting next to these two girls on the shuttle who were somewhere between 15 and 18 and trying to pass themselves off as 21. Slutty outfits (at 5:45 am!), too much makeup, whatever. One girl gives me the hairy eyeball for a long time, then turns to her friend and says all snotty, “Why do some girls dress like boys?” I replied loudly, “Because of my huge balls.” That shut them up.

We arrive, drop by the hotel, and head straight to the convention center. Everything was going great there. We walked to the Omni Hotel from the Convention Center to drop off packets with badges for our sales reps and attendees, who are arriving the following day. Now, here are the first two mistakes:

1) It seems that no one walks in L.A. Well guess what, I did. I’m training for a damn booby walk, so I’m going to make sure I am getting my miles in.

2) BEA said the Omni was less than a mile from the convention center. LIES! It’s two miles, with the last part being up an insanely steep hill.

So after we trudge up there and drop off the packets, the lovely people at the Omni ask if we’d like them to take us to our hotel (The Westin). We look at the map and see that it is less than half a mile away - no sweat for another walk! Except that we take a right on 4th street. Did you know that 4th St. is the on-ramp to I-110? We do now.

So we realize that we’re walking on the highway and we are trapped unless we turn around and retrace our steps. Keep in mind now that cars are whizzing by us at 70 miles an hour and we have a very small space to walk on. As we’re trying to keep our cool, a car drives by and hits a metal plate on the highway that’s right next to me. This results in a very loud BANG BANG! noise. JUST as that happens, I feel a sharp, burning pain on my arm. My immediate reaction to the pain and the BANG BANG noise?

“OH MY GOD, I’VE BEEN SHOT!!”

Until I take a closer look at my arm. Turns out, I had been hit with bird shit in perfect timing with that loud noise. My boss: “That’s good luck!”

Thursday, May 29th:

The rest of the booth set-up goes relatively well, except some minor hiccups which I won’t discuss here (the secret of a meeting/event planner is to make it look flawless, after all). The crowds in the convention center start building, because seminars have started today. The exhibits won’t open until Friday, though. That night, I have dinner with our labor crew in Hollywood. On the way, we pass the Church of Scientology.

Bad picture, but you may be able to tell that the large structure in the left-side of the picture is actually my middle finger.

Friday, May 30th

Today’s the day! After a stressful morning, I am able to start exploring the exhibit floor. To put the size of BEA in perspective:

800,000 sq. feet of exhibit space

Over 37,000 registered attendees

About 6,500 exhibitor booths

Over 1,000 media personnel

It’s overwhelming. The most popular booths were PACKED - so much so that you could barely move around. And books! As far as the eye can see! It was like being in my nerdy utopia, except my nerdy utopia would be on the East Coast and with less people crowding my game.

(When I get my shipment of books back from BEA, I will tell you more about my haul. Meanwhile, forgive me for focusing on what I have photographic evidence of - cheesy celebrity author signings.)

The first author signing was a present for Becky - the new Jackie Collins book, “Married Lovers”. If I was smarter, I would have snapped a photo of the publishing company’s tour bus that was in the convention center. It had a full wrap of the graphics from the book. We were later told that Jackie is going on tour in this bus all over the country to promote the book.

When I asked her to sign it “To Becky”, she said, “You’re going to read it too, I hope!” I said SURE - after all, how can I deny a woman wearing 10 pounds of makeup and more gold than Mr. T? Also, she was very nice, as were ALMOST all of the authors I met.
After checking in at the booth, grabbing lunch and visiting some more booths, I picked up a kids book called Science Fair by Ridley Pearson and Dave Barry. Ridley was at one of our company meetings a few months ago, and gave a great speech. It was a pleasure seeing him again, and Dave Barry. They gave away their book, and a little test tube. SWEET NERDINESS!

After that, I met the one, the only…

THE FONZ! Lovely man, that Henry Winkler. I bet he gets so much action. He co-writes a series of children’s books based on the character Hank Zipzer, and he and the other author were there to promote the latest one called “Enter at Your Own Risk!”

The longest line of BEA was for a last minute addition author - Slash, of Guns n’ Roses and Velvet Revolver. His line started forming over two hours before his appearance (note that most of the big-name authors had a line form about an hour or less ahead of time). We got into line near the beginning, and waited. The line grew, and grew, and grew. It was full of all types of people - young and old, male and female, rock n’ roll types and grandmothers. Now, Slash was going to be in the autographing area, which is a series of tables next to each other with lines forming in front of them for each author. Slash was going to be at Table 2. At Table 1? Eric Roberts. Needless to say, his line was very short. A few minutes before Slash is scheduled to sign, it is announced that Eric Roberts is not attending (maybe he had to go film another Mariah video) and that the two lines will just become one line. We call shenanigans on that because it means that the 5 people who stood in line for Eric Roberts (and waited 5 minutes, tops) were now in the front of Slash’s line. We call over the head of the autographing area, who knows us. He ESCORTS THE TWO OF US TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE, like rock stars. In fact, the woman who was at the front of the line protested, and a staff member of his told him that this other woman was in front. He said “These two ladies are my personal ‘front of the line’ guests” and that was that. He is the greatest.

So, Slash.

He’s awesome. And all I could think to say to him was, “Uh.. I love you! And I used to work for your bandmate’s brother!” The book is about Guns n’ Roses, and it’s called Reckless Road. And, well, I heart Slash. Since my boss was there, I refrained from asking Slash to sign my boobs.

Saturday, May 31st

First stop - Stan Lee!

He’s just an adorable man, and much smaller (read: frail) than I imagined. His book is called Election Daze, and is a humor book about current politics.

Then, I had to rush to one of the day’s most popular lines.

Alec Baldwin! Very nice, very funny. He even gave me the two-handed handshake. I was so overwhelmed by his awesomeness (and sweatiness - the picture luckily does not show that his shirt was soaked through in spots. In his defense, it was incredibly warm in that convention center) that I neglected to ask him to sign it “Thanks for enjoying my schweaty balls” or even “Always Be Closing”. But he did allow a posed picture with me, even though the publishers were saying no. His book is called A Promise To Ourselves, and is a look into the rights of fathers in divorces and child custody matters in America.

Some of you may know that I was and still am a MASSIVE Melrose Place fan. Seriously, that show was amazingly insane. Erik does not understand my joy for MP. That’s ok, because I don’t understand his joy for Stargate. Anyway, Josie Bissett (”Jane Mancini”) was there for her children’s book, Tickle Monster.

I look like I’m saying “Oh, remember that time when you threw Sidney into the pool because you came home and she was wearing your wedding dress? And she was planning to steal it so she could wear it to her wedding with your ex-husband Michael? And Michael was only marrying her because Sidney was blackmailing him after she found out that he was drunk on the night that he and Kimberly were in a car accident? And Michael thought Kimberly was dead but when she came back with her wig, he dumped Sidney and she came crying back to you, but you were already dating your divorce lawyer? Good times.”

I’m not - I forget what I said. But she’s very nice and as gorgeous as ever.

You know who was not nice? JAMIE LEE CURTIS.

Complete disappointment. Very rude, made no eye contact with me until she was telling me not to take her picture. So I took this picture (HA) of her being a bitch to the next person in line. Screw you, Jamie Lee - I used my front of the line pass on you! But your husband is way cooler and I heard you have a penis. I’m not even going to talk about her book because you know what? Screw her.
Next was the longest line of the day.

WILLIAM SHATNER! The line was too long for anyone to really converse with him. But he smiled and said “Thank you” to everyone. And his book, Up Till Now, looks really entertaining.

Then was the tall drink of water known as Clinton Kelly, from What Not to Wear:

Total opposite of Jamie Lee. Charming, talkative, friendly, and gave everyone hugs. His book, Freakin’ Fabulous, is out in October and looks great.

That was it for the day, except for a last little present for Pizza.

HE’S COMING TO GET YOU, PIZZA!

Sunday, June 1st

There was only one person on Sunday’s agenda. The one, the only Bernadette Peters.

The movie I tell everyone is my favorite: Breakfast at Tiffany’s

The movie that is ACTUALLY my favorite: Annie

Shut up!

She was signing her children’s book, Broadway Barks, which comes with accompanying music.

And that was BEA! If you read the entire thing, you’re a better person than me. If you just skimmed to the pictures, you’re about the same person as me, which is pretty darn good. I came home yesterday morning after taking the Monday night red-eye. So I’ll be spending the next day or so getting back on my regular sleep schedule. When I get my shipment of stuff from BEA, I’ll review the highlights here.

1. I have lots of things I want to write about in a full post. Unfortunately, I do not have time for that now. But since Pizza thinks she’s so special because she finally updated her blog after a million years, I have to update now or she’ll put me on blast. I bet she does not even know what that is. Fnur.

2. Speaking of people who need to update their blogs…

3. We had a party of about 30 people at the House of Garrett this past weekend. It ended around midnight, because Erik and I are old and we made those damn kids get off our lawn. Nobody barfed, and hopefully people had fun. There was beer, burgers, and cornhole for all! Also, we have many bottles of wine now from our generous friends. Since we never drink wine, we will take them out of the cupboard for fancy times when we want to impress our guests.

4. Speaking of fancy times, residents of our humble town of Charlotte will be enjoying Speed Street this weekend, in preparation for the Coca-Cola 600. For non-NASCAR fans (less than half of Charlotte), this means that traffic will suck more than usual, and the people-watching opportunities will explode ten-fold.

5. Other than that, we really have no plans for the weekend. What is everyone else doing for the 3 day weekend?

6. You know what you should do? Pony up some coin for boobs.

I just got into work and hooked up my XM Radio (the old school Roadie 2) and flipped on channel 27, Cinemagic, the station that only plays movie scores or songs featured in movies. I listen to nothing else while at work.

Right now they’re playing the movie score to Cloverfield, which I saw and didn’t particularly like. Here’s the thing though, I don’t recall Cloverfield having any score during the movie. And since it was supposedly from home movies taken during a tragic monster attack, wouldn’t there have been no need for a movie score?