Previously… you voted! ANTM won! Get over it, boys!
On to the recap…
Wanna be on top? That’s what Miss Tyra asks in her song. But frankly, I wouldn’t want to be on top of any of these girls, even if they were peanut butter and I was jelly. In her little monologue, Miss Tyra debates the standards of “beauty” - should a successful model be “edgy” (read: ugly) or “classically pretty” (read: fitting for a Sears catalog). These girls are definitely not what I’d call beautiful, and in the staged “Tyra calls the semi-finalists to let them know they were chosen and they just happen to have a camcorder running to catch the event” moments, you can tell that not only are these girls fugly, they are bad actresses.
The girls are surprised at their destination of San Juan by Miss J, who is dressed in a sailor girl outfit. Amazingly enough, this is NOT the gayest outfit of the episode. It’s not even the gayest first appearance. Miss J gives them some BS line about how as a top model, they’ll be traveling via cruise ship ALL THE TIME (…?) so what better place to have the semi-finals? I dunno… A dumpster? Hardee’s? The girls board and are immediately made to do a runway show wearing their current outfits and lifejackets. This is where we begin to meet them. Meet:
Mila! She’s really happy! And she looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy! And you could park a car in her ass! I hate her already.
Marvita! The love child of Chris Rock and Grace Jones. She’s from the streets, y’all!
Victoria! She’s from Yale and claims to be smart and beautiful. But from looking at her and resisting the urge to throw a saddle on her, we know she’s mistaken about at least one of those adjectives.
Ebony! She’s the bitch, and my vote for the one who’s actually a man. A much funnier blog guessed that man was Count Chocula. She’s supposed to be the villain of the show, but I hate Mila much more.
Heather! She has a mild hump and Asperger’s Syndrome! She’s endearingly awkward, which means the other girls are going to eat her alive.
Lisa! She’s a stripper. But she leaves her bikini on when she gives you a boner, so it’s ok.
Sarah! She’s fat but only in comparison to the other girls (she’s a size 8-10, so she’s fine). But she’s self-conscious so she tries to impress Tyra by sticking paper up her nose. I bet she did it because her hick friends told her that all models are thin because of everything they snort up their nose. Whoops, misunderstanding!
There are some other chicks too, including a tragically-named “Spontaneouse” who doesn’t end up a finalist anyway because she just wasn’t crazy or weird enough. That should give you an idea of the caliber of talent here.
The girls are eating breakfast and starting their bitch motors when some crazy fat showgirl stumbles on the stage. Oh wait, that’s TYRA! In a feathered headdress! Singing! Remember when Tyra put out her album? I bet she was on this cruise ship promoting her next single, and decided to make the first ANTM episode film her on the cruise so she’d get extra miles. I rewatched this part 4 times because it felt like a documentary about beached whales on Discovery. Everyone loves whales! Including these girls, who act like they just saw the Second Coming.
Audition time! Also time for some crappy ass walking. Seriously, these girls bitch and moan about how runway is so hard. It’s not! Nothing pisses me off on this show more than bad walking. I used to teach runway modeling back in the day, and I want to slap 3/4 of the girls for the following offenses:
Not standing up straight
Moving one arm more than the other
Sticking out your boobs or butt
Not sucking in your gut
Walking like a damn prostitute
Being Mila
The two weird parts of this are Ebony coming in and being all “I’m so fabulous!” and Tyra making her cry in 15 seconds. I think Tyra wants to be the next Barbara Walters. She’s already got the soft focus lens and “tell me about how much your childhood sucked” part down. The other weird part is a contestant named Janet who is a waxer. For her audition, she gives Tyra a simulated Brazilian. My god. I wouldn’t stick my hand in there even if there was a pot of gold on the other end!
First round of cuts. Girls who weren’t really given camera time - get off the ship and go home, losers! The rest get to have a photo shoot in the ocean and meet last year’s winner, Jaslene. Being a “top model” has changed her life so much! But no worries, she’s still carrying her testicles in her chin. Girls in bathing suits ensue. Almost all of them suck.
Tyra tells the girls that she, Miss J and Jay Alexander are going to figure out who the finalists are. Some of the girls tell Tyra why they should stay and it’s all “BOOOO HOOOOOO I can BE SOMEONE!” Then why are you on THIS show?
After the deliberations, it’s time to announce the finalists. They are (and introduced with how I will remember them because it sure as hell won’t be for their names):
Mila (Face like a sack of potatoes!)
Bianca ($25 weave!)
Chantal (So and so!)
Kimberly (What’s her face?)
Jenah (The ugly one!)
Ambreal (Denim legwarmers?!?)
Ebony (Possibly a dude!)
Heather (After school special!)
Janet (Doomed to give Tyra free kitty cat waxes if she wants to stay on the show)
Lisa (Classy stripper!)
Saleisha (actually pretty - looks like Ciara without the rumored penis)
Sarah (gets the fat jokes!)
Victoria (if she doesn’t win this, there’s always the Kentucky Derby)
Remember what the top model wins… um… a contract with Sam’s Club. Half a Twinkie. Some cheap lipstick Tyra dug out from the bottom of her purse.
The real winner is Tyra, of course - because she gets free air-brushing in all her weird photos! Stop lying, girl. You haven’t been that size in eight years.
See you next week. Stock up on popcorn and haterade.
