Karen and Erik

(I haven’t even seen last week’s episode yet because I’ve been busy working/playing Nintendo.)

Wanna be on top? I wouldn’t want to be on top of these girls if I were a cherry and they said pretty please.

The girls are not missing the Pillsbury Doughbitch at all, and last week’s Heather-hate seems to be magically forgotten as some of the girls dress Heather up like a $2 whore. In other words, she looks more like a model.  Except Bianca thinks she’s getting the pity vote. Which may be true, but I still love her.

The girls are sent to go to a “Fashion Madhouse” to learn how to walk. It’s all decked out like a haunted insane asylum and the girls actually get scared when Miss J walks out. I’d be scared too, I heard he has ashy balls. Miss J makes them put on straight-jackets so they can practice their walk while limiting their upper body movements. Some girls are good, some girls are bad, but all of them could benefit from more time in the straight-jacket. Can they wear them all season? Might as well, they’re already not allowed to smoke or give off greenhouse gases.

Back at the house, Saleisha is foaming at the mouth while bragging about all the modeling experience she has (then why are you on THIS show?) and how she’s committed to winning.  She starts standing on the bed and yelling, “I am Spartacus! probably going to win!” That sets off Bianca, who calls Saleisha borderline plus size. Thems fighting words, so Bianca and Saleisha get in each other’s faces and set it off. I personally declare Bianca the winner, since she told (the shorter) Saleisha to please stand on her toes to talk to her, and my personal favorite, “Check out yo thighs in the mirrah!” I’ve started saying that at random times because it cracks me up every time. After the fight, Bianca confessional-izes that she will do whatever it takes to win and “don’t let the red hair fool you, bitches. I can be very high fashion, ok?” PLEASE God let Bianca stay on this show, I totally love her in a completely different way than I love Heather.

The challenge of the week is a fashion show of clothes that are constricting. Some are truly restricting.. but others I suspect would be easier to walk in if said wearer had indeed checked out her thighs in the mirror. Oh well, Saleisha wins the challenge, much to the humorous chagrin of Bianca. The best part of this week’s challenge is it has Roy! The Church Fashion Show Producer! Who is the MC for the fashion show and narrates it with BS like: “Here the forest is, in all its glory, with green feathers and leaves. Another one-of-a-kind cou-tor-e-ay design.” I will momentarily ignore his insane mispronunciation of the word couture (say it with me, kids: co-TOUR) to note that NO REAL FASHION SHOW HAS A NARRATOR. SERIOUSLY.

The photo shoot this week is rock climbing. So no face tumors this week, unless that’s how you’d describe Bianca’s $25 weave. Nothing really interesting, except Heather rocks it.

Time to send a bitch packing! Mixed comments from the judges. Except I think Victoria’s “I’m a scared widdle girl!” photo sucks completely but the judges love it. The judges don’t like the photos of Bianca or Kimberly (who was my call-out last week since I hate her) and send Kimberly packing. Just like last week, the person I hated the most is sent home. It’s like Tyra Banks knows my thoughts and is storing them all in her giant weave!
Kimberly packs and boo-hoos that she wishes her boyfriend were here so he could tell her she’s pretty. So she wants her boyfriend to lie to her?

Next week:  Makeovers! But remember, no amount of cream rinse can wash off stank.

(Week 3 is coming up later… I promise I’ll catch up, ladies)

Wanna be on top? I wouldn’t want to be on top of these girls if I was a meatball and they were Ol’ Smokey. I don’t doubt that these girls are all covered with cheese, though.

The girls leave the comfort of the drag queen cruise and head into their new home. But this season, they have a MESSAGE. Jesus. They’re all about the GREEN, as in saving the earth. So their bus runs on bio-diesel, and their house has helpful signs around like “Limit your showers to under 10 minutes. Because no amount of water is going to wash ugly off.” Every other blogger has commented how their house has lights and whatnot running 24/7 and is about as eco-friendly as a Hummer, so I won’t add to that. But you know that Tyra’s vision of “going green” stopped when she demanded that all “Tyra Mail” be printed on green-colored paper. It’s probably full of artificial dyes that kill dolphins. And speaking of wide-faced mammals, Mila says “It’s really important just to be aware of what keeps our earth good.” I’m going to let that statement stand on it’s own, thanks.

The photo shoot this week is to document the horrible effects of smoking. Tyra thinks this is controversial, but… really? I think pretty much everyone now knows that smoking = bad news. Does she not know what the word controversial means? Of course not. She doesn’t know what “going green” means. She probably thinks it means gorging on all the green M&Ms.

The girls take one “glamorous” photo - note the use of sarcastic quotes - and one showing the “controversial” side effect. These include gingivitis, coughing up blood, facial tumors, losing hair from chemo, and having a stillborn baby. You just know the writers were really reaching for side effects. How about the real dangers of smoking - like being broke because smokes cost so damn much? Or having stinky fingers and lips? Or looking like an idiot because you’re trying to blow smoke rings and you end up making BJ face?

The only real drama here is that Lisa (stripper!) and Bianca ($25 weave!) get into a shouting match, and Lisa pulls out the tears when Bianca says that America’s Next Top Model wouldn’t be awarded to a stripper. Why not? Last year it was awarded to a pre-op scarecrow who talked like Charlie Brown’s teacher. I think a “bikini dancer” would be a step up. Also, Mila acts like the idiot she is.

Back at the house, these bitches are acting a fool! Heather tells the girls about her Asperger’s, and the girls are all “What’s that? It sounds WEIRD.” Then they talk amongst themselves about how Heather is WEIRD. And Kimberly (What’s her face?) gets the bitch edit by saying that she won’t try to be friends with Heather because “girls like that, they cling.”

!!!!!!!!!! These girls SUCK! Heather is wonderful and my favorite contestant and you girls are heifers! I’m so easily manipulated by the editing on this show. But seriously, you’d have to have a cold, dead heart to not feel for Heather. They sent her crying to her mom! The girls are making fun of her when she’s only about 10 feet away. I hope they get the clap. The editing also tries to make Victoria (horse-face!) look like a good person because she doesn’t approve of the bitchery and does not participate. But she didn’t actually speak up or defend Heather. So I’ll continue to throw horseshoes her way.

Next, the girls go shopping at Old Navy for some basic clothing to wear to the judging. Naturally, they ignore the advice Miss J (who is actually looking dapper, if not hungover, in his little day-sailing outfit) and the critique the judges give in EVERY PRIOR SEASON and go nuts for dumpy shirts, cheap necklaces and ill-fitting capris. And the judges rip them a new one for it.

At the judging, Tyra & Co. pretty much tell the girls that their outfits suck and their ugly. Especially Mila, whose photo makes her look like she’s mid-fart. Mila only farts rainbows! But she can ride that rainbow home, because she gets eliminated. This is wonderful - the person I hate gets kicked off the show. Just like Grey’s Anatomy!

Next week: Ghosts! Perhaps of bitches past?

Sorry Fitzy, but the internet connection at the hospital was spotty at best so I couldn’t post from there. Just got home now.

For those of you who haven’t heard yet (and sorry you’re finding out this way), I was in the hospital most of this week with a mysterious case of cellutis. The latest theory from the infectious disease doctor is that I got a strep infection at the gym. However, they didn’t really have anything to culture, and if the blood cultures they took out of my arms do show Strep/Staph, then I have a lot worse things to worry about, as it means the infection made it through my entire system. So we’re hoping for negative results on everything that hasn’t already come back yet.

Anyway, on to the story. While rocking out hard at the Van Halen concert (and no, the doctor said while Van Halen is awesome, they can’t cause a strep infection. to which I responded, “have you seen Eddie lately?”) last thursday, I started feeling sick Friday morning. I knew I was starting a fever, and left work early thinking I was coming down with the flu. I had some pretty common flu like symptoms.

Fast forward to Saturday morning, where the fever was responding to over-the-counter meds and I thought I was doing better, I noticed a little swelling in my upper thigh area. Didn’t think much of it at the time, but on saturday night, I noticed for the first time some discoloration and swelling on my left leg. I finally relented that something besides the flu might be going on, and Karen and I went to Urgent Care first thing Sunday morning.

The Urgent Care doctor took about 8 viles worth of blood, and the 20 minute tests all came back ok. I hadn’t cut myself, hadn’t had any recent trauma, and my white blood count was normal. She put me on some antibiotics and told me to keep an eye on it. After a day of antibiotics, I woke up Monday morning and saw that the swelling was almost completely gone and the redness hasn’t gotten any worse. So, with Monday being the 1st and our busiest day of the month due to monthly closing, I went in to work.

I noticed throughout the course of the day, my leg was continuing to swell, to the point now where it was about double the size of the other one. Yes, grossing out my co-workers was fun and I was still able to keep my fever down though the Ibuprofen I was taking. I wasn’t in any pain, but the leg was hard to walk on and I knew it was time to go in.

Karen met me at the ER where it took them 3 hours to get me back. I missed my dose of Ibuprofen while in the waiting room, and could feel my temperature rising badly. When I was finally taken back, my temperature was 104.1 and my leg was so swollen I remember feeling a couple of times that when I put any weight on my leg that it felt like there was no where for anything to go and it was going to burst…and this wasn’t a painful feeling, just that it was that full of whatever. Weird.

So I spent the next 3 days in the hospital, getting poked and prodded regularly. Lots of blood was taken, I got a dose of IV antibiotics every 6 hours. The only thing that really sucked was the heparin shots in the belly, and not because of the needle. The heparin itself had a nasty habit of burning after it was injected, and then the tissue around it got a little sore and hard. And they kept sticking me in the same area, so that didn’t help.

But I’m out now, and no more heparin. I’ve got no real restrictions other than common sense. I’ll probably go in to work for a few hours tomorrow to try and get a little caught up, but more to get the “hey! You’re back! What happened?” hallway conversations out of the way so I can really get started on Monday.

Alright, time for rest. later.

It’s gonna be late this week.

Get over it.