Karen and Erik

To: Martha Stewart

c/o Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia

11 w. 42nd Street

New York, NY 10036

Dear Ms. Stewart,

May I call you Martha? You may call me Karen. I must start this letter as many of your fan letters must. For 25 years, I’ve been a huge fan of you and your work. Your creativity and finesse have inspired me since I first saw my mother’s newly purchased copy of Entertaining in 1982. In planning my wedding last year, I purchased all of the available wedding magazines, as most brides do. But only yours was truly helpful, and I thank you and your excellent staff for that!

My husband and I are getting ready to purchase our first home, and I can’t wait to decorate it - full of Martha Stewart products and ideas, of course.  Truly, a life without your Soft Grip Lemon Zester or new set of cookbooks is a life not worth living. My kitchen is where I feel most comfortable, and I look forward to finding inspiration for my next recipe.

Would it be possible to send me an autographed photo that I may put up in my kitchen? Seeing your smiling face would inspire me on those nights when I am cranky from the tolls of the day and tempted to order bad Chinese instead of cooking for my wonderful, often put-upon husband. Indeed, it would be as if you were there to ensure the heavens would smile down upon my oven, figuratively speaking.

Please keep up the excellent work, as I know you will. Your daily show is one of my favorite programs, and certainly much better than anything that oafish dimwit Donald Trump could put on.  Besides, your version of The Apprentice totally kicked ass.

Your sincere fan,

Karen Garrett

Dear Sir or Madam,

Sometime last night or this morning, between the hours of 9 pm and 7:30 am, you stumbled upon my somewhat-beloved car (aka Jack Bauer) and decided to help yourself to its contents. Thanks for stopping by! I just wish that you had dropped by our home as well, so I could have introduced you to our cat, Holly. She likes to cuddle!

I hope you enjoy the iPod that you took. Although to be honest, the only reason I had that iPod in there was because it has not worked in almost two years and I left it in the glove compartment because I could not bring myself to throw out such a shiny, pretty thing. So, enjoy your new paperweight! Perhaps you took it in an effort to free me from the chains of materialism in an effort to follow a more Zen Buddhist doctrine. If so, namaste.

Also, I notice that you took a single CD - Parachute by Guster. I think you’ll like it - my favorite is Track 10. Although, you’re really missing out because you did not take any of the other CDs. 100 Days, 100 Nights by Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings is truly an excellent CD with a mix of classic and neo-soul. There’s also a rare collection of B-sides and early work from The Shins. But perhaps you did not see Garden State or you reject their more recent mainstream popularity. I understand, but I still love Natalie Portman in that movie.

I really must also thank you for taking all of the papers and trash from both my glove compartment and console (trash) compartment. It was an excellent reminder for me that I really must get those organized, as well as remove the trash from the compartment. Cleanliness is next to godliness! And the gum squished into the floor mat? Just the motivation to get me to go and have the floor mats deep-cleaned at Auto Bell. Repeatedly. That way, I’m helping the economy! Who says one person can’t make a difference?

Please understand that your trespass into my personal property will not be forgotten. In fact, when I filed the police report, I made sure to note that you were kind enough to liberate both my materialistic chains AND the face plate of my stereo. While it is doubtful that the police will ever catch you for this so-called “crime”, I do wish they would if only to connect you to many other acts of material liberation of which I am sure you are guilty of. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s that I won’t be able to see your face when the pawn shop owner tells you that your new “paper weight” is worthless. (Little does he know - the iPod may be worthless, but your actions are worth 3-6 months in jail!)

Our paths may never cross, but we may hope. Perhaps one day, my husband or I will see you searching in the parking lot for another car to liberate, and we may contact the police and throw you a surprise party.

Cheers,

Karen

First off, congratulations to the Family Fitz and welcome to the world, Caroline! I can’t wait to send over onesies with inappropriate yet funny sayings.

Erik is in Alabama now on business. So last night, Pizza came over for dinner and to watch “My Stepson, My Lover” on Lifetime (of course). Best/Worst movie ever. Starring Terry O’Quinn (better known as Locke on Lost), it tells the timeless story of a nurse/doctor (see below) who saves Locke’s life then falls for him after like 2 dates. At the wedding, she meets her new stepson, some dude from The Young & The Restless (good eye, Pizza) who spends his time building the worst cabin ever and riding on horses with a riding helmet and no shirt. Locke is on business trips all the time, so Nurse/Doctor and Stepson/Lover spend all of their time being grossly inappropriate to each other and finally doing it on the poorly-constructed stairs of the cabin. Locke then gets a fax saying “Your new wife just shagged your son” and gets all angry. Nurse/Doctor chases him to the poorly constructed cabin but finds him dead after falling off the deck (I mentioned the poorly constructed part, right?) and the Stepson/Lover looking guilty and shirtless.

At the trial of Stepson/Lover, it is revealed that he blamed Locke for his mom’s death. But the lawyer (named “Preach” because he was a Southern black man) gave the jury enough reasonable doubt that Nurse/Doctor could have done it, and Stepson/Lover is acquitted. Afterwards, much boning ensues. Then, it is revealed that Stepson/Lover sent Locke the fax to lure him out to the poorly-constructed cabin. Stepson/Lover pushed Locke over the railing, which was more poorly constructed after Stepson/Lover removed the bolts holding it together. But while revealing the truth to Nurse/Doctor, Stepson/Lover falls off the same railing (he never replaced the bolts!). Surprise ending: he doesn’t die, instead is confined to a wheelchair as a quadriplegic. Nurse/Doctor kisses him and feeds him ice cream.

Sigh. Where do I start with this?

1) I called her Nurse/Doctor because she said she was a nurse, yet she wore a white coat. Dana, can you confirm for me that doctors are the ones with the white coats? And nurses wear the outfits with funky prints or teddy bears on them?

2) Who meets their stepson AT THE WEDDING? Especially considering it seemed like he lived there, or at least in very close proximity. He was always at the stables, riding shirtless.

3) This movie was filmed in Charlotte, NC. There are several shots where you can see the Bank of America building and Panthers Stadium in the background. Since it takes place in the South, all of the actors feel compelled to put on HORRIBLE Southern accents. Nurse/Doctor truly has the worst accent you have ever heard, will ever hear. It was like James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues, only with a swollen tongue and the inflection of pre-Henry Higgins Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady.
4) The movie tried to make it seem like Nurse/Doctor went to Stepson/Lover because Locke was so mean and domineering, but he wasn’t. He just was gone a lot on business trips. Nurse/Doctor said that Locke forced her to stop being a nurse… so why did she keep showing up in scenes at the hospital in her white coat? When Locke confronted Nurse/Doctor about having turned her stepson into her lover, he pushes her down on the bed and the director was probably thinking that was sufficient to show abuse. But if I were Locke, I would have scissor-kicked Nurse/Doctor in the chest.

5) This movie had the timing and editing of a soft core porn with all of the dirty parts taken out. Seriously, everything I described above from the beginning to Locke’s death happened in the first 40 minutes. And there were huge time leaps… even more than a usual Lifetime movie. Somehow, the 5 minutes spent on Locke and Nurse/Doctor’s marriage was supposed to represent 2 years. Also, they would show Nurse/Doctor kissing Stepson/Lover or Locke and then BAM, next scene they are putting their clothes on. What the heck is that about?

6) I have not laughed this hard at a bad movie since Alien vs. Predator. Actually, I think I laughed harder at this one.

7) What kind of idiot would send a note of betrayal via fax? Send it via regular mail with disguised handwriting. Have some respect, man. At least send it by email - this movie was done in 1997, so don’t tell me your only option was fax, Stepson/Lover.
This movie is saved on the Tivo where I record Grey’s Anatomy, Top Model and Martha Stewart. (The Tivo practically has its own uterus!) If you drop by the House of Garrett, we can watch it together.

I’ll post more stuff later (I promise I am putting pictures on Flickr tonight) but do have one more thing to add. If you are one of the kind souls who gets me a Christmas gift, here is my Amazon wish list. It’s full of things that Erik has either rolled his eyes at or told me I could not have (more cookbooks, Converse sneakers, a MacBook, Martha Stewart stuff). I promise I did not build the list that way on purpose, it just happened that way. Anyway, don’t say I never gave you gift ideas.

Hi everyone! The next few ANTMs are going to be delayed a bit as Erik and I prepare for traveling the next couple of weeks. Also, I need to think of more “Wanna be on top?” puns. And actually see the episodes. So I thought I’d give a quick update with what we’ve been up to and what’s coming up.

In the past couple of months, we have (in no particular order):

• Celebrated our first anniversary
• Ate year-old cake and declared it “eh”
• Got a Wii
• worked as crew members with Pizza, Tracy and the Hoechs at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer (more on that when I get off my butt and post pictures)
• I traveled to Reno and declared it a city I never want to visit again
• Erik took over my fantasy football team because I was doing great until I kept forgetting to set my lineup, which deemed it an utter waste of $35
• celebrated the Red Sox victory
• had another book club meeting - this one about The Kite Runner, which we talked about for all of three minutes.
• The girls and I went to the Southern Women’s Christmas show for an assault on the senses (pictures coming)
• Started looking into buying our first home

Am I forgetting anything, E?

In the next couple of months:

• I am traveling to Ontario (California, not Canada) for work until the week of Thanksgiving. Hopefully Ontario doesn’t smell like Reno did.
• E and I are going to Fort Worth, TX to spend Thanksgiving with the Vigelands
• Then, E is traveling for work for a couple of days
• Then, I am traveling again the first week of December to Miami Beach for work
• THEN, we will be able to spend some time again on the new home search.
• THEN we travel to Kingman, AZ for Christmas with the Garrett-Smiths.

That’s a lot of stuff!

Wanna be on top? The only thing these girls are on top of is my shit list. This episode is pretty dull until the end, so I’m going to sum the rest up pretty fast.

Ebony is not the happiest camper at Camp Weave-a-whack!

Tyson Beckford visits to unbreak their spokesperson skills!

The girls do a PSA and the winner is determined by who screws up the least!

Heather meets Mary J. Blige, makes her visibly uncomfortable!

The girls do a photo shoot by dressing up as the garbage they are recyclable materials!

Nigel wears a faux-afro wig at elimination, looks like pubic hair!

Ambreal and Ebony in the last two, and Ambreal is sent home… UNTIL!!!

Ebony interrupts and says she doesn’t want to be here anymore, that she wants to go home. She’s realized that this modeling business is just not for her. And to that, I say bravo. It takes a lot of strength to be able to realize that something you thought you always wanted is not right for her, and to recognize that you need to leave it. But Tyra gets a bug up in her weave, and basically tells her, “It’s not modeling you hate, it’s us picking out all of your perceived flaws. Nothing is uglier than a quitter. So hit the road, Quasimodo!” Shut up Tyra.

Back at the house, they finish with Ebony writing a goodbye letter to the girls while saying she’s sorry she wasted Tyra’s time. But she wants to go back home to her family and get things back to normal. I’m so proud of her! The show closes with footage from Ebony’s interview video,m where she begs Tyra to PLEASE PLEASE let her be on the show! It’s supposed to make us feel sad for how she didn’t succeed, but it just makes me happy that at least she got a good weave out of the process.

(Since I have so much to catch up on with ANTM, I’ll be posting these once a day until I am caught up).

(Then I will post more about the hotel room, Fitz)

Wanna be on top? Not even if these girls were a clock tower and I had all the bullets. Which I feel like I am about to look for since I STILL have “Voices That Care” stuck in my head!

We open in the “green” house. Tootie (Saleisha’s new name, can’t avoid it) is all upset that she was in the bottom two the previous week. As if she was going to go home when Miss “Can We Get One Thing Straight?” was on the chopping block. Janet/Liza starts mawing about how their house is gross and needs to be cleaned. And it really does. People, I am a messy person but this really grossed me out. A big spill of some white goo (Tyra’s wig glue?) is fermenting on the floor, rotting turkey on the counter, dishes every where. Janet lectures them on how important it is to take care of this lovely home they have the privilege (snerk) of living in. Janet/Liza is totally going home.

Heather is on the patio telling it like it is - what she feels are the weaknesses of each girl on the competition. And she’s saying it straight out and rather matter-of-factly, which I love but takes the other girls aback. Chantal is like, “Wait, I thought this girl was retarded or something, when did she get so smart about my lazy eye?” Well ladies, while you were off being a snot to Heather and avoiding her for fear of “clinging”, she was kicking ass and taking names. See you bitches next season!

Ambreal sings. It’s the most airtime she’s had all season. Lisa is annoying with her low self-esteem. They get Tyra mail that says it’s time to spring forward, fall back and stupid Chantel thinks their task is really to change the clocks for Daylight Savings Times. Sometimes “idiot” isn’t enough of a word.

They go to a gymnastics center to be greeted by Benny Ninja, who reminds them that he saw them at the Old Navy challenge. That was just a few episodes ago, but these idiots probably do need reminding, lest they mistake Benny for a wee leprechaun. Today, he’s teaching them to pose in motion! Unfortunately, the motion is not out the door. They all either spazz and fall, act like cheerleaders, or freaking nail it. Zzz. I wanted one of them to bust their head open to show that concussions are FIERCE.

Their next challenge is to pose while being thrust (hee) in the air at an ice skating rink. A skater dude will hold them up while Benny Ninja yells out an emotion for them to convey. Unfortunately, they all end up conveying the same emotion - stupid, salty model. They all suck! Lisa is the winner and does a hip-hop fashion photo shoot with Ebony and Janet. Janet? FNUR? Since when did Liza Minnelli figure into hip-hop? Oh well, they can always photoshop her out.
Back home, all of the girls are salty, jealous hoes because Lisa won. When Lisa returns, she’s all “OMG you guys it was so fun, and then we did THIS, and then we did THIS…”. Bianca, sensing it’s time for her to coin a new phrase for my personal lexicon, asks Lisa, “Is your makeup making you break out?” Sorry Bianca, just doesn’t have the same snap. I hope you didn’t lose your powers of bitchery along with your weave.

Photo shoot! They’re going to be high fashion gargoyles! Yah, I don’t get it either. They have scary makeup and outfits and when Janet bends over, you can see her underwear. Classy! The highlight is that the photographer is the same from the “Harmful Effects of Smoking” shoot, so expect to see gargoyles with giant face tumors.

Heather goes first, and kicks serious ass. Jenah is next and again turns out a great shoot, even if she does look like a troll under a bridge. But that translates well when you’re supposed to be a gargoyle. Sarah is crap. Janet is wearing white underwear. Chantal is wondering how to change the clock in her car for Daylight Savings. Bianca turns it out. Lisa is sporting pimples (Bianca was right!!). Ambreal is scared of heights even though they are not even on the edge of the building and are instead a good 25-30 feet from the edge. Ebony looks like a high fashion Count Chocula.

Elimination! Highlights include Tyra teaching Ebony how to nicely ask for candy from strangers (as if Tyra asks. If I had any skills, I would combine video of Tyra acting like a hippo with “ME WANT FOOD!!”. Because my comedy takes the high road.) Tyra seems a bit.. I don’t know. Like she heard the models backstage talking crap about her, and she didn’t tell them she heard, so she’s acting stank towards them. Every time she told one of the girls, “Congratulations. You’re still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model”, her teeth were so clenched I thought she was cracking walnuts. And when she kicked off Janet (duh), the best parting line she could give her was “I hope you continue to try to become a model”. Which is Tyranese for “Get your bikini-waxing Cabaret ass off my stage.”

Next episode - sexy party!

Sometimes, the greatest things are found when you google your own name.

Ta-da!! 

This video. And just when you think it can’t get any better, Gary Busey shows up:

from deadspin

(Shut it, I’ve been busy. But that’s for another post.)

Wanna be on top? Not even if your name was ZZ. This week we encounter the Dread Pirate Makeover, in which some girls end up looking better, some worse, some exactly the same, and at least one like a straw-covered Muppet. But Jenah was ugly anyway, so who cares? The episodes start with the usual shots of the girls whining. “Modeling is HARD! This competition is HARD!” Victoria is all, “And I thought Yale [and getting fitted for horseshoes] was HARD!” Because they show her bitching the most, she is definitely the one going home.

Tyra’s mail compares their upcoming makeovers to butterfly metamorphosis. #1 how many times do you think Tyra would have to pound that word into spell check before it came out right (if I actually thought she wrote these herself)? #2 Comparing these bitches to butterflies is insulting to the butterfly. Perhaps “a pile of dog poo into compost” is a more apt simile.

At the salon, Tyra uses 1995-era technology to show the girls what they will look like after their makeovers (only without the tears). Everyone is excited! So far. The good news is they are leaving Heather’s hair pretty much alone (YAY HEATHER I LOVE YOU!) and getting rid of the cheap weaves of Ebony and Bianca (of the “Check out yo thighs in the mirrah!” fame). Saleisha got an UGLY bob that makes her look like Tootie. But at least it is distracting from her borderline plus-size thighs. Speaking of plus-size, Sarah gets a hair cut that makes her look like Starbuck. And by that, I mean she looks like a lesbian. But one who is secure with her body! Victoria gets some highlights in her mane (HA! See what I did there?) and says she vows to be a smart blonde. Obviously not, since her highlights are still brown. Janet gets her hair dyed black and looks exactly like Liza. Chantal gets bangs. Jenah shows that the hair should match the face, resulting in the ugliest hair extensions known to mankind. It’s unbeweaveable!

As Bianca’s hair is worked on, the stylists realize it has far too much damage to get the Beyonce look they are after. Which is funny, since Beyonce totally wears a lace-front wig. So they decide to shave it off and let her wear a wig (so she will look like Beyonce after all!) As Bianca silently cries, Saleisha ponders whether she can get away with telling her that her tears are looking borderline plus size.

Back at the house, the Tyra mail reads: “Can you make your way from the backstage to the front of the modeling industry?” You know what that means - They have to take it in the butt. I’m talking DOWNTOWN! Kidding. They have to do some stupid challenge where they put on cheap cosmetics and change clothes. It’s boring, and Starbuck Sarah wins. NEXT.

The next Tyra mail asks if they are ready to be “deflowered”. DOWNTOWN! They are to do a photo shoot all dressed up as flowers. Except for Heather, who has to dress as a weed. Come on! Have they never even heard of the Americans with Disabilities Act? Whatever, she makes that weed look FIERCE. Chantal makes her baby’s breath look like it has a penis. Saleisha makes her tulip look like Tootie (I would have made a joke about something with Mrs. Garrett, but now *I* am Mrs. Garrett). Lisa makes her bamboo look like a stripper pole (excuse me, *bikini dancer*). Victoria makes her cactus look like a saddle (See? What I did there??). Everyone else puts me to sleep. Except Bianca makes her bald head work! No wig for her, which is good since Tyra needs them all.

It’s elimination, bitches! I give these girls four thumbs down. Victoria is first and seals her fate when the judges make a stupid comment about she was a cactus because of her “prickly disposition”, and SHE! SAYS! “Can we get one thing straight? I do NOT have a prickly disposition.” And then the rest of the girls get up and have their picture shown, but there’s really no more suspense, is there? Victoria told Twiggy and Tyra “Can we get one thing straight?” and it was awesome. Victoria immediately takes off her shoes (which I learned later, caused Tyra to CALL SECURITY because she thought Victoria was going to hit her!) and hits the dusty trail.

People, do yourself a favor and read this post-show interview with Victoria. Made me stop comparing her to a horse for at least 30 seconds. Best part?

IG: Did you ever hug Tyra?
VM: I did, and I was afraid she’d eat me.