Karen and Erik

(I’m skipping the episode where the redhead gets booted and they all do music photo shoots. Because other that Claire’s dance of joy and stank little “AT LEAST I HAVE A HUSBAND!”, I’ve already erased it from my mind. Delete! Plus, last week was a clip show, so I’ll just recap the last new episode.)

I am slowly weaning myself off of coffee. For a variety of reasons (what do you mean, it’s not healthy to have blinding headaches when I don’t have coffee?), but mostly because the coffee at work is absolutely terrible. I bring this up because a lack of coffee can make people irritable, and it definitely does in this episode. Lauren (the “punk”) is cleaning the kitchen and dumps the small contents of the coffeepress. Fatima comes in and asks where her coffee is. Did she make some, then go shave her armpits? DOUBTFUL to the last part. Anyway, Lauren gets all defensive, Fatima eggs her on, and Lauren starts cursing like a crazy woman, chugging her coffee out of a wine glass (sign of crazy behavior if I ever saw it), and ends with a very Newsies‘-ish declaration. “Ya lucky, ya know that? Ya f***in’ lucky.”  Somebody haul her ass down to Santa Fe! (Note: only two people reading this blog will get that joke, but it’s ok because they used to make me watch that movie.)

Go-see time! Already? It’s not time for them to do a crummy acting challenge, and then Fatima can claim she can’t learn lines because she has no labia? Geez. The girls are divided into two teams, and told to STAY POSITIVE! This is harder for Whitney when one of the designers pretty much call her a heifer. GOD Whitney, you and your gorgeous curvacious body that most women would kill for. YOU FATTY FAT FATTY! Stacy-Ann rocks it, Claire is weird looking, Lauren can’t walk,  Fatima is too skinny, Kaptain Kangaroo is gorgeous, Anya is invisible, Dominique has testicles. But you know what else we discovered? SHE’S MISSING A TOOTH.

DUDE! What the hell happened there? Did she think she’d look more womanly by impersonating Amy Winehouse?
“They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said I. HAVE. BALLS.”

The photoshoot.. well, I can’t talk about it yet. Because first I have to point out what Rich at fourfour so brilliantly spotted - JAY MANUEL’S MOOSE KNUCKLE.

Or, maybe it’s more like a huge cameltoe for Jay’s GIANT vagina. Don’t be hatin’, Dominique!

Anyway, the girls are supposed to pose against these clear plastic screens with an inch of water in them and look all… I dunno, like they’re stuck in a washing machine? Claire breaks the ice by doing a belly flop on the plastic sheet - DESPITE Moose Knuckle telling her explicitly NOT TO. So, she nearly breaks her neck. Idiot. Everyone else’s shoots go fine, but then they all kind of look the same to me in this one - like fish flopping in a boat and gasping for air.

Elimination time! At panel, the judges take another opportunity to give a back-handed compliment to KappaKappaKappa. Paulina is all, “Her Eastern European tackiness is gone!” Well, Paulina would know. Isn’t Kajhagoogoo from BOSTON? SO what the hell, they’re making it sound like she rolled out from Ellis Island last week. THEY’RE JUST JELLUS. Dominique’s hair is sticking up like an erection. Fatima poses like a little teapot - literally. Tyra kills my last brain cell by saying, “H2O-no-you-didn’t-girl!”. Ugh. SO much hate. The best part is after deliberations, each judge takes turn saying a word from “We-have-reached-a-decision“, the last word belonging to Tyra and said in an overly-dramatic, arm-sweeping fashion. Nigel rolls his eyes to the camera, and I have spent the last 15 minutes looking for a screencap of that. Still looking.

Final two - Lauren and her lovable Tourette’s Syndrome, or Claire and her breast milk whiplash. Goodbye Claire! Sorry you have to leave your dream of reality show mediocrity and go back home to your less appealing option, YOUR CHILD AND YOUR HUSBAND.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 14th, 2008 at 3:37 pm and is filed under America's Next Top Model. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.