Karen and Erik

Craigslist ad for someone selling a piece of children’s furniture. Please view the ad and tell me if that’s something you’d want your daughter lying on.

Hiya, everyone. How are you? How is your family? Hope you’re all well.

I just got back from a long and busy work trip, and now find myself two episodes behind in ANTM. In addition, we are vastly behind in our VERY! IMPORTANT! TASK! of TV watching. In the upcoming weeks and months, I’ll be busy with work and 3-Day training and various house tasks (we’ve just started working on landscaping the back yard, for example). And since Erik just got a PS3, I may never gain control of the television again. While this means I’ll have the time to do more projects for The Neatery, it does mean that… well…

Remember that time I said I was going to recap the entire season of ANTM? Yeah, about that… not going to happen.

Sorry, kids. I’ll still watch the show and comment when I feel that commenting is necessary (for example: resurrection of meat panties). I still promise I will recap an episode of each of the other shows (I think I’ll be doing House next). And I’ll still update this blog, especially with photos like this.

Plus, no one commented on the ANTM posts except Becky, to ask if it was over the top this year. To which I reply - as opposed to all of the other “cycles”? Although it does get more bananas every time I watch it.

So, what can I blog about if I’m not making comments about Tyra’s weave and how if you look closely, you can see where she hides her chicken nuggets? (Hint: behind the ears.) Well, Erik doesn’t want me to blog about Stanley’s poop. Which has been normal lately, thank you very much. He’d probably also be upset if I blogged about the HORRIFIC dog farts Stanley has been dropping.

I don’t like blogging about work, so I don’t want to talk much about the trip I was just on. But I will say that it was in Hollywood, and I can say that FINALLY, after years of traveling to the Greater Los Angeles area, I have seen a celebrity. Several, in fact:

In order of appearance:

Fantasia Barrino

Patti LaBelle

Brian McKnight

Jennifer Hudson

Brad Pitt

Three guesses on who I was the MOST excited about seeing. Hint: It is not the one that I emailed everyone/wrote on Facebook about.
And met:

Shane West

The Donnas (who were TOTALLY AWESOME)
I also enjoyed some beautiful California weather, a well-timed In-N-Out burger and had a lovely time. As usual, my body clock adjusted to the time difference on the last day of the trip.

In the next few weeks, the House of Garrett/Office of FNUR will be looking forward to:

• Baseball playoffs (both MLB and Erik’s league - his team is in the finals!)
• Fall weather
• Landscaping
• Stanley getting his nuts chopped off
• THE RETURN OF THE GARRETT HALLOWEEN PARTY (dunh dunh dunh)
• The 3-Day
• Thanksgiving dinner which we are seriously trying to find attendees for. PEOPLE! I slather my turkey in BACON before roasting it! LET ME FEED YOU.

It’s the second episode, and I’m already tired of some of these girls.

The girls are back in L.A.! Samantha is missing her graduation and prom for this, but “you only get one opportunity…” to be mediocre on a third tier network! They’re excited to see each other, etc. blah yadda. They’re waiting on a roof when the J(ay)s meet them and try to make it seem like L.A. is the modeling capitol of the universe. Maybe of catalog modeling and music video-ho jobs.

The girls surround Isis asking their ignorant questions. I can only assume this will be the first of many times. McKey the cage-fighter: “You’re like a butterfly!” Clark: “I’m blaming my transphobia on my Southern roots, therefore helping to extend the stereotype of ignorant, hating Southerners!”

OH GOD the group reading of Tyra Mail is back. I bet that it’s just the producer behind the camera reading it, and the other girls are just making mouth noises. It’s all done in post-production, my friends.

The girls go to what looks like the Haunted Mansion in Disneyland to be greeted by a magician. DUDE. Am I the only one who recognizes the magician as that dude from The Max in Saved By The Bell? Only instead of making french fries appear, he conjures something greasier - Nigel! Then something awesome - Paulina! You guys, I think she’s drunk. I can’t blame her - if I was doing one-on-one interviews with these idiot girls, I’d need a drink too. Sharaun… oh Jesus. She leaves the taste of bile in her mouth. The not-French chick is so awkward it really hurts. Miss Jay and Jocelyn are totally best friends. And you know what? She’s my best friend, too. Her and Sheena, Miss “Y’all ain’t ready for this yellow fevah!” She is my everything.

Oh good grief, it’s another “issue” shoot. The girls are ignorant that their are elections other than presidential ones. But the hot photographer is here to do their photos - each girl must portray an ‘issue” important in this year’s election. If this photo shoot influences even one person to take a stand on an issue… I’ll move to Canada, because this nation will be screwed.

Not-French girl’s issue is.. what, homelessness? Littering?  Clark’s is “bureaucracy” and she has no idea what it means. Luckily the symbolism fairies hit her over the heads with a set full of red tape. McKey’s is “environment” which just means she’s surrounded by some fake plants from Michael’s.

Hey, it’s Whitney! It’s her Life as A Cover Girl! Apparently, Cover Girls have pit stains!

Alaska girl is a complete idiot but her hair looks totally hot.  That bitch Shauran is looking for a beat down when she starts teasing Isis about “needing to shave”. Isis takes it incredibly well. Because I would have beat the weave off her head. And she’s being all dramatic and weird in her photo shoot of “homeland security. And the rest are… not memorable enough for this recap.

Tyra’s photoshoot, with beer can curlers, is obviously addressing the very important election issue of the beer-weave.

Time for the judging panel! And OH TYRA, your outfit.. I JUDGE. I judge you harshly. Miss Jay’s outfit gimmick this year is a giant number pendant that will change every time a girl is kicked off. But he says the comment of the night to Shauran: “Ok, I’m gonna tell you right now what my problem is with you. You love to spread your legs.” I can’t even do a punch line to that. Clark is shown by Tyra what sexy bureaucracy is. Samantha looks like she got out of the mall, and is fat. Jocelyn is lovely. Blah blah. Call me when they get to like, 6 or 7 girls. They are easier to keep track of then these bitches. I don’t even try to learn their names until after the makeovers. Alaska girl… OMFG SHE LOVES GOSSIP GIRL! Isis rocks.
Deliberation.. blah blah MAKE SURE YOU VOTE!

As Tyra calls out names, I am too distracted by her outfit. Wide shouldered blouse and leggings? If that’s supposed to be the future, I want no part of it. Oh well. GOODBYE SHAURAN! Hate you and your stanky weave. When Isis has her surgery, we know where to hide her leftover parts.

Next week -  bikini makeouts! Alaska girl is a racist! Tyra does something stupid while smelling like pineapple upside-down cake and buffalo wings!

Ya wanna be on top? Does Tyra’s weave smell like Slim-Fast and hot sauce? (YES!)

GOOD LORD before I even finish typing that, the J(ay)s are greeting the semi-finalists in silver lame to better show off their moose knuckles. The girls run in the warehouse screaming and start with the “body scan” - hightlighting CGI on the cutting edge of 1986. Next up - runway! Seriously, this “Model Institute of Technology” or whatever looks EXACTLY like Mugatu’s studio in Zoolander. If Milla Jovovich came out of the “Glaminator 11.1″ and spanked these bitches, I would die of happiness. Instead, it’s Tyra with a new weave and powdered donuts on her lip. They make it seem like she’s trying to talk like a robot but I’m guessing the editors had it UP TO HERE with her and neglected to edit out her “idiot-ness”, as she would probably say. PS I totally had Miss Jay’s haircut.. when I was 4 and my mom went through a Dorothy Hamill phase.

The interviews!

Ignorant girl hands Miss Jay her panties (like he wants them!), one girl is named after cheese, one girl was sold into an Arabian sex ring, one’s a bitch, one says white girls don’t understand her hair, one is not really French, one is Mormon, one has a penis.

(Cue the ignorant girls gossiping with OMG SHE GOT A DING DONG, Y’ALL, WHAT IF POSING NEXT TO IT MAKES ME GAY? )

Token non-black minority, Token poor and ignorant girl in the house! Cue for break while Tyra literally runs around like a moose… FIERCELY. Annoying voice girl, Miss Jay screaming WHAAAAAT needs to be my new ringtone. Militant lesbian vegan with a stumpy body, ANOTHER Ivy League horse-faced girl who never read a book, dumb blonde who walks like she has a traffic cone up her ass. I bet you anything that Tyra kept Cool Ranch Doritos in those puffy sleeves.

First round of cuts: goodbye losers!

First photo shoot: stirrup pants and balls. Sounds like Miss Jay’s Tuesday Night.

AW NAW, look at Toccara! HOT!

Is this warehouse out in the middle of that field in Se7en where Kevin Spacey sent Gwyneth Paltrow’s head? Oops, I mean, spoiler alert.

Judges review the photos - this is where Tyra does her impersonation of the girls and  only looks like more of an idiot. Also, she’s fingering those buttons so hard I can only hope she bought them dinner first. “Let us beam… FIERCELY.” Oh my goodness Tyra, you complete me.

Time to name who’s in the show - token non-black minority, arabian sex girl, some girl with a horrible haircut not really French girl, militant lesbian vegan, diversity girl, ultimate fighting girl, panties girl, poor ignorant girl, penis, high-pitched voice, etc etc.

The next hour is getting posted tomorrow… Erik just got home and CAN NOT TAKE any more.

So, like you I’m sure I hope, I’ve decided I don’t want to read any more Stanley poop stories on the internets. So I did something about it. Meet the Stanley Stopper ^TM:

Hopefully, this little diddy keeps Stanley the Stink-O-Man out of the laundry room, where Fred’s litter box is.

In other news, Fred has been channeling his inner ceiling cat, constantly observing and judging Stanley and the rest of us from on high.

You see, a couple of weeks ago, we had another leak show up in our kitchen. Not knowing where it sourced from, and since the ceiling was ruined anyway, I cut a big hole in it to let the water drain and try to determine where it was coming from. Figured it out, leak is fixed, but meanwhile I’ve still got a big frakkin’ hole in the ceiling that I can’t fix cause my shoulder is still messed up. So Fred has found a new hang out.

Amber, Pizza and I are craft dorks. Between the three of us, we cover almost every kind of crafting that’s out there except for fake flower arranging and knitting. (Because fake flowers suck and none of us know how to knit - including me, who learned it in college but since forgot.) Since dorks of a feather craft together, we decided to start a blog about the handmade things we make, like, and are inspired by.

The Neatery

Visit it if you:

- like to look at pretty things

- like to learn about stuff

- like to make funny comments

- like us, as people
- married/are dating us and are obligated to think everything we do is fascinating

Word. ANTM up this weekend. Was going to watch it last night but decided to order pizza and watch the season 2 finale of Dexter instead. Can you blame me?

You know what this innocent-looking dog did to me this weekend?

He tea bagged me.  PLOP right on the face. (Dad, I beg you not to click on that link.)

If he wasn’t going to be fixed before, he DEFINITELY is now. His reign of testicle terror will be over in about two months.

IN OTHER NEWS

1. Amber and Pizza and I are working on a super cool new web site project. I’m not ready to give the details yet, but it does involve me using a sewing machine and not breaking out into a sweat for the first time in many years.

2. The first show to be recapped is going to be America’s Next Top Model, which premieres this Wednesday. Remember that a contestant is a transsexual. We can expect Tyra to claim that she TOTALLY knows what it’s like, because of that one time backstage at the Marc Jacobs show where Naomi slapped her with a dildo.