Karen and Erik

1. Just when you think the dog is behaving very well, he will do something like pee while running down the stairs, soaking EVERY STEP with pee. This is also like the day that his dog trainer said Stanley was doing so well that he could skip a level of classes, and then he peed twice on your friends’ carpet and ate his poop in their hallway.

2. Just when you think of a neat business idea and start working out ideas for it, you realize that some days you can’t even be bothered to change out of your workout clothes, let alone start a business.

3. Just when you think you’ve cleaned every inch of the kitchen, you find some previously unknown corner where all germs have gone to multiply.

4. Just when you think the floor is clean and you’ve mopped it perfectly, and you can let the dog in from inside because you’ve wiped his paws, he will still find a way to get mud everywhere.

5. Just when you think you are ready to tackle a project you’ve been wanting to do for a while, you remember that OH CRAP you neglected to do all of the “adult” chores, like documenting medical expenses for your taxes. Note: THESE CHORES TAKE ALL DAY.

Earlier this week…

Pizza: GOD are you ever going to blog about anything other than 24?

Ok. Internet, Pizza has a debilitating fear of penguins. They scare her like others are scared of snakes or bugs or clowns. In fact, she probably should not look at this picture.

They're coming right for us!

What’s that, Pizza? You’d like me to go back to 24? OK.

(I DO have non-24 posts coming up, including what will hopefully be a new regular feature, assuming the subject of them cooperates.)

This week in 24, we return to President Sangala’s panic room, where he and the First Lady are remembering that they forgot to pack any board games or snack food in there. Meanwhile, Jack, Tony and Emerson are trying to find a way in. Emerson tries by beating the crap out of the guard and threatening Sangala’s First Family. Tony tries it by moaning in the corner and being distracted by flashing lights (get it, he’s a ZOMBIE!). Jack SUCCEEDS by gassing them out with a 4th grade science project. The President is refusing to surrender and is ready to die, but his wife remembers that the job description of First lady did not include “martyr”, so she opens the door just in time to avoid death by poison gas.

Meanwhile, Agent NOT Karen is in trouble because Tanner’s lawyers have already written up a complaint against her for her “interesting” (read: copied from Jack Bauer) interrogation techniques. I’m tired of her. All she is doing is copying Jack but not in an awesome way. It’s like she’s trying to be a badass like him, but just taking the “DAMMIT THERE’S NO TIME” attitude and not actually being awesome. She also makes STUPID decisions, like going to President Sangala’s house alone to stop Jack & Co without waiting for SWAT team back up. Jack would do that, but only because HE NEEDS NO BACK UP. So naturally, Agent Not Karen is captured by Jack & Co. in about 5 seconds, and loaded with President & First Lady Sangala in the bad guy van.

Meanwhile, the First Gentleman is all happy because he has a thumb drive with proof that his son Roger did not kill himself. His Secret Service agent is like, um… yay. Let’s go see a friend of mine to help you with that.They go to the apartment, but it’s Roger’s girlfriend’s apartment! And the Secret Service agent slipped a neuromuscular paralytic into the First Gentleman’s coffee cup! Because he was part of the conspiracy to kill Roger! Now they will wait until Roger’s girlfriend comes home to find the First Gentleman completely paralyzed, except the Secret Service guy is going to kill her and blame the First Gentleman! And, you know… DRAMA! (I still don’t care about this story line.)

President Taylor refuses to withdraw US forces from Sangala, hoping that Colonel Guerilla and/or President Sangala is retrieved in the next 30 minutes or so. Damn, what show does she think she’s in? Colonel Guerilla is pissed that the US forces are still in Sangala, and promises to do something dastardly “within the hour”. 24 has hit every cliched line that’s in the 24 drinking game EXCEPT for Jack Bauer saying “DAMMIT”. DON’T DISAPPOINT ME, KEIFER.

Jack & Co. drive with the Sangala president and first lady and Agent Not Karen for what seems like half the episode.  Emerson pulls over and tells Jack to kill Agent Not Karen, and Tony has to come too. Jack takes her out and she’s all WAAHHH I based my character development in the last 3 episodes on you! Jack tells her to trust him if she wants to get out alive, then shoots her - grazing her neck but making it look like a head shot from Emerson’s perspective. But that’s not good enough for Emerson - he wants Tony and Jack to bury her. They do, as she looks up at them with zombie eyes as they bury her alive. The clock ticks to the next hour.. SILENTLY! We know what that means, right Tony?

Tony: BBBRRRAAAAAAAIIIINNNNNSSS!

That’s right. But she is also listed on imdb.com as being in every episode this season. The only logical answer is…. (SPOILER ALERT) Tony has recruited her into his zombie army, and she will return to the FBI with a taste for flesh. Eventually, Tony will recruit everyone but Jack, and they will fight him by doing the Thriller Dance in the middle of Pennsylvania Avenue.

Next week… I dunno, because the Tivo cut out before then.

Full recap coming soon, but you know what is the worst thing about CTU being dismantled? No badass ringtone. The FBI ringtone? LAME.

White House - Ms. President Taylor is being briefed about Soulpatch’s capture. “How does a zombie break into the magical single network that controls all vital utilities and functions for the US Government?” “Well, he does have some pretty sweet facial hair, Madame President.” Turns out that right after the airplane near-miss, Colonel Guerilla Group leaves a voice mail (wtf?) on the magical server saying that if the US does not stay away from Sangala, he’s gonna mess up yo’ shit! It’s gonna take way too long to fix the giant gaping hole in the firewall/national security, so they take the easy way out - start slowly telling people that some shit is gonna hit the fan today. Psst… pass it on.

Soulpatch Tony is taken into custody as Moss is all, WAAAH! Why didn’t I get to play, too? Blah. Agent NOT Karen (why did no one tell me her name is Renee and NOT Karen?) oversees the interrogation, while Jack puts his HELL YAH face on and Janeane goes to investigate the security leak. Jack asks Tony, HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE and Tony says BRRRAAAAAAAAIIIIINNNSS. And then he tells Jack only that Colonel Guerilla wanted the CIP device and was willing to pay for it. I can’t blame him for that, people gotta make MONEY, man! We’re in a recession! Jack would have accepted this, until Tony tells him that by Jack helping the government, he is spitting on Terri’s grave. OH SNAP!!! Jack slams Tony against a wall and tells him the line from the commercial, “Tell me where the device is OR SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL KILL YOU AND YOU WILL STAY DEAD THIS TIME!” Note to self: discuss with psychiatrist why Jack saying things like that makes me SO HAPPY. Tony, while being strangled, croaks “Deep Sky”. Then Moss comes in and acts shocked… SHOCKED that Jack Bauer would resort to violence to obtain information.

Jack is moved into someone’s abandoned office, and he grabs his cell phone. He calls a number, saying “I was given CTU’s old emergency cell phone signal - WHASSUPPPP?” It’s Bill Buchanan, sporting some… interesting hair. Like a poodle died on his head. Bill and Chloe (!!!!!!!) are working together in a secret underground liar to infiltrate the organization Tony is in and how they are connected to all of the funding for Guerilla Group. And they really, really need Tony to sneak out of FBI, if Jack could arrange that. Kthanksbye. Jack is like, NO PROBLEM!

Oh, so there’s this subplot going on that I neglected from the last recap because it bored me. But the president’s husband is on some vengeance trip to investigate the reason for his son’s death, even though everyone has proven that it’s suicide. Last week, the husband (is he First Gentleman, or does he have another title?) went to shake down the son’s girlfriend because she had a mysterious amount of money in her bank account. Now, he is confronted by the the Chief of Staff, telling him to drop this investigation. The son committed suicide because he was about to be investigated for insider trading. (SO? You didn’t see Martha Stewart killing herself for that, did you? NO! She took it like a champ and became even more awesome by going to jail. News flash: the First Son was a pussy.) The girlfriend calls the First Husband and says “He did not commit suicide, come meet me and I’ll tell you more and give you a flash drive full of info while your Secret Service agent looks on ominously!”

As Jack gets ready to bust Tony out of FBI jail, Janeane figures out that someone tried to hack into their system… from the basement? Meh? Turns out it was creepy looking guy, who did it to go above his security clearance level and check on his wife, who is currently on one of the planes waiting to land. He also calls into air traffic, pretends to be Moss and tells them to move his wife’s plane to the head of the line for landing. That won’t come back to bite him at all.

Jack breaks Tony out in spectacular fashion - lots of gunfire! In short, Chloe busts into their security cameras (in a Chloe vs. Janeane Garafaolo bit), Jack gets Tony to the parking lots, surrounded by agents, utters his first “GET DOWN” of the season, when Bill pulls up at street level with a NOT AT ALL CONSPICUOUS Smurf-blue van to get them out. Tony jumps down or something, and Jack hot wires a car to jump off the parking ramp and right outside of the van. They escape, of course.

At FBI, they all regroup from getting the shit kicked out of them, and Moss has to call the White House to tell them about the escape. Well, that’s an awkward call.  After they hang up, the Chief of Staff (CoS) urges Ms. President Taylor to order American troops to stand down in Sangala. But she rightly says, “Wouldn’t that tell terrorists that blackmailing America works?” CoS says, “well yah, but we can figure that out LATER.”

At ghetto CTU, Bill and Chloe and Tony fill in Jack with a few more details about their operation. Well, sounds like Tony was a good guy all along! Except, no… Tony was a part of the terrorist group until he heard they wanted to screw with some planes. AND THAT’S JUST TOO FAR.

Tony’s terrorist boss (Emerson) is chilling in his bad guy lair when he gets a call from Tony! He’s out of custody and brought his super best buddy Jack with him, who is on board to terrorize the United States government for fun and profit. Emerson is like, uh, sure, bring him along. Tony says, (say it with me) BRRRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSS.

Tony and Jack go to the lair (which takes 5 seconds because it seems Washington DC streets are as fictionally clear as LA streets are), and Emerson sends Jack downstairs to the basement with some thugs. Side note: I love the lair! It’s decorated beautifully. Excellent taste for a terrorist. Emerson tells Tony that he’s changed his mind about letting Jack in, and Tony has to kill Jack. Meanwhile, Jack is downstairs beating up the thugs. Emerson and Tony come down and see what jack did, and Emerson decides that Jack can stay after all. Even better - he gets a change of clothes (FINALLY, back to the bad-ass long-sleeved T-shirt and jeans) AND A MAN BAG! IT’S BACK, BABY!

The President of Sangala is talking to president Taylor, and pleading with her not to remove troops from Sangala. She says I haven’t, yet. But she will make a decision soon. President of Sangala that there’s really nothing he can do to persuade her either way, and leaves the Oval Office. Since she’s making a decision soon, YOU’D THINK he would stick around the White House.

BUT NO! Emerson tells Tony and Jack that they are now on the move to the house where the President of Sanagla is staying RIGHT NOW, and they are to kidnap him. DAMN did the Chief of Staff fart or something? Because the President of Sangala must have hauled ass out of the White House. Maybe he saw the Ghost of Rumsfield and got scared.

Meanwhile, Agent NOT Karen and Janeane are at the hospital - seems the sniper guy from the previous episode did not die! Agent NOT Karen fancies herself a Jack Bauer-lite, and makes Janeane stand outside to stall his attorneys while she tortures the sniper into telling about the plan to kidnap the President of Sangala. She tells Moss, who calls the agents in Pres. Sangala’s home to give them a warning code. The agents burst into action, but DAMN THAT LACK OF TRAFFIC, Tony and Jack and Emerson are already there! The President and his wife are in a panic room, but the rest of the agents are totally screwed. Jack stars busting at the wall (with a 9 iron?) covering the panic wall, as if the drywall is the only thing keeping him from Sangala’s presidential family. Sorry Jack, that panic room was built AMERICAN, it’s made of foot-thick concrete. As the clock ticks to 12:00 PM, Jack, Tony and Emerson wish they had brought some better tools to this job, instead of their golf clubs.

This week in 24…

In DC at 8 am, that guy from Enterprise is just driving along with his daughter when BAM! His car is hit twice (2nd one was awesome) and he is kidnapped by some masked men, one of which has a soul patch and probably a craving for brains.

There’s a Senate hearing going on regarding allegations of torture (ha!) and the witness on the stand is Jack Bauer. He smartasses the senator doing the questioning, and I enjoy it. Jack testifies that he doesn’t need a lawyer because those are only for libtard pansies, that he totally tortured people, he “probably” broke procedure, and that the senator can just go ahead and wipe that smug look off his face unless he wants a manbag up the ass. As much fun as this is, he can’t continue because an FBI Agent (named Karen!) steps in and needs him NOW and it’s way more important than this piss-ant little hearing that’s probably not even on C-SPAN.

Karen and some agents take him to FBI, who also employs Janeane Garafaolo and a creepy looking dude. I personally prefer my X-Files FBI set, where it’s either a basement or a nice office, instead of this cube farm we see here. Jack meets some blonde boss dude named Moss, who tries to be all tough with him until Jack shoots him down and basically calls him a douche. I LIKE this Jack Bauer! Agent Karen tells him that they needed him because only someone as awesome as Jack Bauer could deal with a zombie. Who has risen from the dead? Do I even need to say it?

Erik: Soulpatch Tony can not be a zombie. Because he has a SOULpatch, and zombies have no soul.

Jack refuses to believe that Tony is not only alive, but now seemingly doing some sort of domestic terrorist activity. After all, Jack was there when Tony died. SO WAS I, JACK. So was I. But Agent Karen reminds him that the clock did not tick down silently, so he’s obviously still alive or at least feasting on the grey matter of every idiot who gets in his way. (Hopes this is where they cue the return of Kim Bauer…) Jack agrees to work on the case to at least prove Tony’s innocence and help him.

Meanwhile, Tony has Enterprise dude all bloodied up and creating some device for him. Turns out the device is to bust through the firewall of the system that controls everything - water and sewer, power, air traffic, etc. Cue Erik complaining that THERE’S NO WAY ONE SYSTEM WOULD CONTROL ALL THAT, OK? After some “persuasion”, the device is finalized. Tony and OMFG DONNIE PFASTER use the device to bust into air traffic control. This alerts a control tower, who alerts the FBI, who warns Ms. President.

Ms. President! She’s doing well. Except, well, the generic African country from 24:Redemption/What Jack Bauer Did On His Summer Vacation has been taken over by the guerilla leader (General Juma) and he’s committing genocide, and she has to make the call for America to invade them. Also, her son died. WTF? When she gets the news of the air traffic incident, she’s all MAN, what a bad day for THIS to happen! (trumpet)

After some investigation with FBI creepy guy, Jack finds a lead and takes Agent Karen to an old contact of his from CTU. Eurotrash Scar dude, from… hell, I forget. Scar pretends to know nothing until Jack just THREATENS to torture him with a ball point pen (then punches him, twice for flinching) . As Scar starts to give up Tony’s whearabouts, he is shot by a sniper. HATE when that happens. As FBI looks for the sniper, Tony calls Jack and tells him, BRRAAAAAAAAAAINSSS.

After that fun phone call, Tony uses “the device” with some other dudes, who makes some planes almost crash on the runway. Fun! Now make the planes arrive on time, and I’ll really be impressed. Ground control was all in a tizzy about it, but I guess that’s because none of them ever saw Die Hard 2. Now the device has been handed over to Tony’s terrorist buddies (are they zombies too?) who are working with a lieutenant from the guerilla group from the Fake African Country. Lt. Fake WILL MAKE THE GOVERNMENT PAAAAAAY for killing his brother. That wasn’t the government, that was Jack.

Jack knows the FBI must have a leak, but Agent Karen is refusing to believe it. She even makes him sit in the car until he can learn to play with the other kids! Jack soon shows her that the sniper has snuck out of the building WITH the help of one of her agents. Without telling anyone (including Moss, who is REALLY needy), they sneak away and follow the sniper as he leaves. They end up at a loading dock, kill the sniper, kill DONNIE PFASTER, and find Tony (who just deleted all of the zombie computer files). During Jack’s regularly scheduled shouting declaration of the episode (”WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!?”), Moss shows up in a friggin’ helicopter because he didn’t trust Agent Karen. Your tax dollars at work, my friends.

Today’s assignment for the comments: Agent Karen said she had Tony’s grave exhumed and DNA proved it was not his corpse in there. SO WHO WAS IT? My guess is Kim’s mountain lion.

MAN I thought I’d never be typing that one again. Thanks a lot, writers strike.

Before we start this season of 24, we have to review the 24: Redemption movie that aired in November. This “movie” was also done in real time, but only had about 10-15 minutes of awesome in it. So this is as short of a recap as I can do for a two hour movie.

Jack Bauer ended up in a fake (but troubled!) town in Africa, at some school run by that dude in Trainspotting. When the guy who played Billy in Ally McBeal comes by to serve him a federal subpoena from the US, Jack refuses it and decides to skip town. Before he can, the school is raided by militant guerilla groups looking to take the boys to make them soldiers and take over the government. Jack stops that by shooting a bunch of them, dodging a rocket-propelled-grenade and breaking a dude’s neck WITH THE BACK OF HIS KNEE. Now they must get to the US Embassy immediately as President-for-a-couple-more-hours Powers Boothe is ordering US evacuation of the fake town before the guerilla group can do a coup d’etat. This does not sit well with Ms. About-To-Be-President.

Meanwhile, Ms. About-To-Be-President’s son has some friend who works at a company that, along with Jon Voight, is secretly helping to fund the guerilla group. The son’s friend found out this, and was tortured and probably killed. Meanwhile, Jon Voight’s buddies/conspiracy extend at least into the Secret Service agent protecting Ms. About-To-Be-President’s son.Side note: Jon Voight will never reconcile with Angelina as long as he takes roles where he funds the warfare and exploitation of little boys from a generic African country.

Jack gets the kids to the embassy, missing Robert Carlyle because he accidently stepped on a mine and sacrificed himself heroically in order to blow up some of the dudes in the guerilla group and be a badass. But who is the bouncer at the embassy? Billy from Ally McBeal (note: what should his name be? Leave ideas in the comments, please). Billy from Ally McBeal says “OH SNAP, You can only let these kids get on if you surrender yourself for the federal subpoena. And I get credit for arresting you. And we tell all my buddies that I beat you up until you cried” or whatever. Point is, he takes too much satisfaction in it. But Jack is a HERO and agrees to it.

Tonight; Jack’s coming back to America, there’s an annoying kid on the chopper with him the first female US President has been sworn-in, her son seems like kind of a douche, Peter MacNichol (another Ally McBeal alum) is still working in the White House (at least he was for Powers Boothe during his last 5 seconds of crappy administration). We have not seen Soulpatch Tony yet, but I am confident that Jack Bauer will cut his head off quickly as that is the only way to kill a zombie.

YOU GUYS, I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!! Are you, or has everyone grown bored/apathetic with 24 and the recaps?

I usually avoid making resolutions for the new year, but eventually end up making some anyway. Avoiding the attachment to the new year somehow makes them more likely to be fulfilled, so I think. I have no idea if this is true or not, but since my resolutions are usually the same every year, it seems that my fail rate is solid no matter what.

*Actually I DID accomplish one of last year’s resolutions, just barely in time. I taught myself how to knit. It may not be the sexiest resolution, but I’m pretty proud of myself for doing it. Knitted beer cozies, here I come!

Here are the resolutions I have made for myself for 2009. There are either to be accomplished once and for all, or on an on-going basis.

• Eat healthier. Sure, it may be a neat trick that I can eat 30 chicken nuggets in one sitting without batting an eye, but it’s a likely culprit in why my pants aren’t fitting these days.
• Exercise again. I’m not looking forward to starting this one again. I enjoy it once I get in the groove, but it’s hard for me to find that groove.
• Drink more water. Diet Coke doesn’t count. Speaking of which…
• Cut down on Diet Coke. You’re addicted, Karen. Admit it. It’s the first step.
• Find a good job.
• Cut down on the clutter in the house. I know where things are, but Erik is getting pretty frustrated.
• Keep sewing/knitting/etc for creative release.

I’m doing ok so far. I have not had a Diet Coke in a couple of days, and have been tracking what I cram in my cramhole to help me figure out when I am actually hungry/needing fuel and when I just want to sit on the couch with food by my side. I know I don’t have a weight problem and I am grateful for that. But with the combination of tight pants and the high blood pressure diagnosis from earlier this year, I need to come to terms with the fact that bacon is NOT a health food.

What are your resolutions for the year?